Late at night, unable to sleep, crabby, I think about blogging. These are not good thoughts; dark thoughts about how humans and specifically North American humans have disappointed me...and God (at 3 am, it is easy to start talking for God), and how come morning, they (meaning all you humans out there) are going to GET IT (no, not letter bombs, more like scathing editorials)! But somehow when morning comes, I have regained just enough faith in the potential of every person to make a difference to calm down. So I spend 4-8 hours researching and writing a blog entry to help me feel that while I may seem alone and helpless to change events (like incest, women feeling guilty over masturbating, eating disorders, expectations on female athletes, the treatment of tall women, suicide, etc), maybe if I am an interesting enough writer with my great electronic shout in the unknown called blogging, that perhaps enough people will see and think about the subject and view it a little different and maybe the world will shift .0000000001% toward the better?
Then by about 9 pm, I am so beaten down that I give up on humans ever doing anything other than out of self interest and I lie in bed potting evil thoughts.
The number one resistance I am working to overcome in both myself and hoping to inspire others to overcome, is the fear of caring. It is hard to care, particularly when the news and the internet gives me so many people I could care about. And it is harder to care for any length of time – let’s face it, suffering is boring. Yeah, I might read a blog with someone struggling and I feel a twinge and I want to reach out to them. Three weeks later, I’m thinking, “What, still on this?” It is one thing I respect about AA, that the system is set up to help people care about what happens to other people; to root for people trying to make a difference in their own lives. I could lie and say that I care about everyone, but that’s not true, in fact, sometimes I fear finding another group that I might have to care about. And that’s pretty common I think. Since PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) included more people under their representation (they now are for friends and family of LGBTTTQQI individuals) people often treat the new additions as a joke – "lesbians, gays and all them other letters". My feeling was, okay, why don’t you tell some parent of an intersex child or a transgender child or a questioning child to leave, just to make YOUR life a little simpler. That is, until I realized they actually might. Most parents at PFLAG took years to get their head around caring, genuinely caring and understanding their gay sons and daughters and now they have 5 or 6 NEW identities to care about?
Okay, time to try and focus this ramble. If you read this far than I ask you join me as an exercise buddy – not in jogging or cardio or getting rid of Xmas pounds but in exercising the will to keep trying to reach out in understanding where people are coming from, and caring about what happens to them, as individuals. I am pretty open about how this blog is from a lesbian and female issues viewpoint – yet, somehow, during tough times, I have been given email and other support by people I have never met; many of them straight men and straight women. That amazes me; humans can be really wonderful (that’s what I remind myself in the mornings). Sigh. So does this mean I have to return the favor and try and understand straight men? Is that possible? And if I do, do I get a book tour on Oprah?
I guess that’s about it, just asking you to help me stay in touch with humanity, all of it; to care about it, at least in the mornings.
On that note, thanks to the awareness of Faith at That’s so Queer, I have created a petition to the UK government to try and help out the five volunteer nurses and a doctor currently under the death penalty in Libya for treating HIV infected children. Story goes: nurses and doctor treat HIV infected children; public panic occurs when it becomes known there is a hospital full of HIV infected children; government decides to charge the Bulgarian nurses and doctor treating the children with intentionally infecting them with HIV (though all research from Oxford University to the co-discoverer of AIDS says this scenario is impossible) and sentences them to death. They currently await an appeal. They were tortured for three months to get confessions including electric shocks and rape. It sucks. You can write your congressperson, or if you are in the UK or a commonwealth country (like CANADA), you can sign a petition approved by #10 Downing Street, an official Home Office approved government petition by clicking here. I don’t think nurses and doctors should be put to death for caring; it is not very encouraging to others (and kind of what I think about at 3 am). And if you know any other five minute ways for me to reach out and contribute to making a difference please let me know. Thanks. We all need someone to care sometimes, and right now, I am asking for help because I am struggling with making sense out of making a difference. I'd just like to know that someone else is struggling too.
3 hours ago