Thursday, November 23, 2006

Anhedonia and why vampires tend to kill themselves

I ate today; it was...different. You see, I haven’t really found the idea of eating interesting lately. I have been drinking water sometimes, since I have been doing strenuous exercise about 3 hours a day for a week. I think I am getting thinner.

Life is very busy now; working, training, sleeping, repeat. I also I know I have Andehonia, but it just doesn’t seem to matter (a little joke).

If you don’t know, Andehonia is a condition of greyness, where a person becomes unable, or incapable of deriving pleasure from life, through any means. It also usually comes with sleep irregularities. It is one of the reasons I have great difficulty with people who romanticize vampires (who are traditionally suppose to not “feel” human emotions anymore). When you are deep in the cocoon of Andehonia, the most something becomes is interesting, even agonizing pain (which you still feel, it just doesn’t always seem to interest you that much, or can simply lower your social inhibitions.). The thing which has always produced the greatest joy: not worth the effort. Your fantasy food: there no longer is such a thing, as everything tastes...like nothing at all. Sylvia Plath experienced a long bout of Andehonia before she put her head in the oven, Van Gogh wrote to his brother about it a week before shooting himself in the heart. So you can see why the idea of eternal life with eternal Andehonia would likely be a very short life indeed. It is, in a way, like waking up missing a sense, like sight or smell, as you try, one after another, the things which gave the greatest satisfaction or joy. As each feels instead like an empty exercise, you turn inventive and extravagant, almost desperate; perhaps buying something will make me feel something, or a bubble bath, anything indulgence that you can think of. And you feel…nothing.

I have blogs I have been working on, I wish to finish; so stay tuned; things will return to....well, not normal...but with fewer tasks over a greater time.

Oh yes, Happy Thanksgiving to all the Americans.

8 comments:

kathz said...

having just got through a joyless couple of months - perhaps caused by illness and certainly exacerbated by it - I can assure you that it will get better. Last Saturday I was invited to hear a choir sing a concert of music by Purcell, Bach, Handel and Finzi. I didn't think I could go but a friend urged me to see if I could manage it - and suddenly, listening to Bach's Magnificat in D, things began to seem much better. On Monday, walking along a road I was struck by the wonder of autumn leaves (on trees, fallen on the path and swept into great heaps - autumn is late this year). And since then I've begun to feel alive again. It's probably not convincing or imaginable just now, but you can - and will - get there. Meanwhile, remember that people do care about you while things seem dark and will be pleased to know when you're through it all again.

elizabeth said...

Errr. That sucs. I'd offer to do something to make you feel better but then, that's just the point isn't it?

Anonymous said...

My Dear Elizabeth, I can't tell you to take heart that all will be better soon, but I can tell you that there are so many who seem to care about you. Life sucks when everything in your mouth tastes like cardboard and you find pleasure in nothing.

Mayhaps your senses are taking a respite. Soon all will be as it should be; until then, realize I watch -- even when I don't comment, and I care.

Angelique

Wiccachicky said...

How is this condition different from depression in general? Maybe that's what's going on with me lately. :)

Elizabeth McClung said...

Actually Anhedonia can be a sign of major depression - but it can also happen on its own - as for me, I do not have lethargy as long as I have plenty of scheduled tasks (and I do!) - so for instance, while I have already done 12 hours of fencing and fencing training in the last 5 days, I also have only eaten three meals in that time - two of those with Linda standing behind me holding something threatening.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Actually Anhedonia can be a sign of major depression - but it can also happen on its own - as for me, I do not have lethargy as long as I have plenty of scheduled tasks (and I do!) - so for instance, while I have already done 12 hours of fencing and fencing training in the last 5 days, I also have only eaten three meals in that time - two of those with Linda standing behind me holding something threatening.

kathz said...

Please ask Linda from me to keep up the good work - you need to eat. And please take care of yourself, if only on trust that things will seem much better - and in the knowledge that people care about you.

Jim said...

Am I going to have to travel all the way out there to kick your butt? Your butt being fairly high up, it would be easier if I had something to stand on.....or you could stand in a hole.

Tell Linda to use a spoon with food and do the "choo-choo train going through the tunnel."
The airplane in the hanger is also very effective.

You do not have time for this. You need to fence and you need your strength for that.

I am trying to mask my concern with humor and such. How is that working? Are you catching on?

There are many positive and constructive comments posted here. I will just use the one that fits me. I use it with all the people I care about.

I love you. Get over it!