Sunday, September 17, 2006

More jaccuzzi's, moaning, headboards & missing sperm

Ahhhhh...sometimes we don’t realize how badly we need a weekend of “special training” until we have one. I really liked going to someone else’s Oceanside resort. There were so many things I couldn’t do at home like:

*Call the front desk to have someone start our fireplace. He showed up five minutes later, we were in silk dressing gowns; we offered him Gouda cheese.

*Call the front desk to have them send us more batteries, specially C batteries. None arrived.

*Go to the many, many Jacuzzi’s around the property.

*Drink champagne while using our two person Jacuzzi as we rubbed each other down with green tea scented body wash.

*Use every available towel and then some, and leave them scattered strategically about.

*Spill red wine on the sheets while playing erotic shadow puppets and simply get NEW SHEETS.

*Declare one day “naked day”, start the fireplace, turn up the heat and run around….well, naked. Actually this one I HAVE done at home.

I am not sure what some people do on their vacations in suites with jaccuzzi’s, fireplaces and big soft beds. This is what I do:

Linda finding me on the bed: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Jump on the bed. I’ve always wanted to be like one of those people that are heard in movies make moaning noises through the wall while banging the headboard."

Linda after watching me writhing on the bed trying to rock it back and forth: "I think the headboard is nailed into the wall."

Me: "If we lie with our heads away from the pillow we can both kick the headboard and make moaning noises!"

Linda: "I’m going back in the Jacuzzi."

This might be another reason NOT to book the room next to ours. After two fantastic days, we drank hot choc and watched the documentary Making Grace, about two lesbians having a baby. We wanted to find out what we were doing wrong as no matter WHAT we did, neither of us was getting pregnant. We discovered we were missing two vital ingredients: 1) Sperm and 2) bucketloads of money.

Making Grace follows three years of Ann and Leslie as they try to have a child. I was disturbingly like Ann with the analytical obsessive worrywart personality and Linda was Leslie with the calm and sense of humor. It was actually pretty funny watching another couple have the exact same worry/response as us. The big difference was that Ann and Leslie has a huge house in NEW YORK CITY (a.k.a. bucketloads of money). So though they were older, they were financially able to pay for a year of anonymous donor selection and fertility specialists. They were also helped with having one ex-girlfriend living with them, and one next door so when Ann did get pregnant, there were 2 mommies and 2 live-in babysitters (plus Leslie could go next door and vent about Ann to her ex). They said that the entire first five to six months after childbirth and taking care of Grace was 6 simple words: Try not to kill the baby.

It is really an insightful documentary which covers a lot of lesbian experience including how they have to fight almost daily to present themselves as a family. One family member first said that they were telling their children that Ann was “mommy” and Leslie was just “her best friend.” After a while, when they realized that their 10 year old did not equate, “Grace has two mommies” to “I want to know all about wild lesbian sex” the relatives relaxed. Ann and Leslie now have two children and still fence questions about “Does that hair color come from your husband?” Which they learned not to say no, as then some women just ask, “And what does your husband think about that?” (wink, wink, you slept with the postman didn’t you?)

We finished the film and had one of those brief: “We could do that, we might have killed every pet and plant we’ve owned but this time it would be different” conversations. We’ll talk again when we get to the bucketloads of money part.


Wiccachicky said...

Sounds like you had a great vacation!! I'd love to get away somewhere with a jacuzzi tub...especially one we wouldn't have to clean or take care of. ;)

elizabeth said...

This might be a stupid idea - but couldn't you just get really drunk and sleep with a boy? Just for his sperm. That would mean all sorts of medical tests and shit. But maybe, if he was nice enough (or if you paid him $1,000.00 bucks - and that is way cheaper than the donor method) I mean, if I had to I'd sleep with a girl to get prego. Bad idea? I mean - probably kinda of grosses you out but... if you really want a baby... I dunno. I babble.

kathz said...

What a brilliant holiday. My plants tend to die, and I'm not great with pets (these days it's just the neighbours' cats) but so far I haven't killed my kids, despite various attempts on my son employing foil, epee and even (on one scary occasion) sabre. Mind you, I've never felt like a particularly successful parent and every so often I pause and wonder if I'm a very bad mother. Bucketloads of money and a huge house would certainly help but there aren't perfect parents or perfect kids. Go for it if you want! (But it might make it a bit harder to fence or have private time together in a jacuzzi.)

Freudian Slip said...

Your comments about your vacation were really funny. It sure is great to be pampered (and take a bit of advantage of that, ha!).