Friday, September 22, 2006

Horoscopes, fortune cookies & sex with zombies

Between my end of the week “blah” and the anxiety of my forthcoming virgin competition “AHHHHHH!” I can’t do a deep and meaningful blog. And for you pervs, that is “virgin” as in first time epee competition, not having some bizarre all girl contest involving whipped cream.

While I don’t believe in horoscopes exactly, I tend to like reading them once in a while because they promise me wonderful things will happen (though they never do, at least not to ME). Unfortunately, the horoscope writer for our local paper has been severely depressed for the last month or two and is now only writing horoscopes of doom (for example my last horoscope said “if you don’t correct something now, it will cost you ten times as much to fix it later”, and the one before that was: “something you do today will likely anger a family member against you.”) . Someone please take her out for a night on the town.

I still needed my fortune fix so I bought a bag of fortune cookies. But even these are turning out bad (of course, that might be because I tend to have slightly paranoid interpretations; pass the tinfoil, I need to make another hat).

Here are the fortunes I have gotten from my cookies over the last 48 hours.

Cookie #1: “A thrilling time is in your immediate future”
My Interpretation: You will either be hit by a bus or robbed at gunpoint later today.

Cookie #2: “Good reputation is something to prize and cherish”
Interpretation: Too bad you threw that away huh? See how no one is taking your comments about “sleeping your way to promotion” as a joke anymore.

Cookie #3: “Be receptive to making new friends today”
Interpretation: You will be relentlessly hit upon by a drunk semi-homeless guy who will paw your breasts and leave ketchup stains.

Cookie #4: “You will soon be the center of attention”
Interpretation: A warrant has just been issued for your arrest. (Or more optimistically, you will drink heavily tonight and wander into a church where you will do a striptease to your own rendition of “I’m too sexy for these clothes” while dancing atop the baptismal font.)

Cookie #5: “Your independence shall bring you bold adventure”
Interpretation: On your trip to Seattle you will attacked and chased by crazed Baptists who were driven to a frenzy by your rainbow bracelet and butchy ways and you will spend the night shivering in a dumpster.

Cookie #6: Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life
Interpretation: I’ve heard this before....often. It seems all of my therapists have joined forces to buy this fortune cookie company and send me messages. I am now too scared to open another cookie in case it says “Increase your medical dosage”

So, no more fortune cookies. If you have any good fortunes for me, now might be the time to let me know, something like “a faulty part falling off plane will likely miss you.”

To the few people who come here because they want to read what I write, thank you, thank you, thank you. But I should warn you that the head nurse in my ward says you are all imaginary.

And here are some messages to other people (real or imagined) who found my blog during various searches.

To those who googling “Sex with Zombies”; first, I talk about sex and a talk about zombies, but not together. Second, zombies are in movies, and like many things that show up in movies, like finding a parking spot in downtown during rush hour, they are imaginary. So get your animated necrophiliac butt outta here and buy some fortune cookies instead.

If you are one of those searching for “sex with prepubescent girls” and/or "sex with dolphin", just to let you know, I’ve forwarded your ISP to the local authorities, you sick, sick f**k.

“Sperm blog” – hmmmm, nice search, why couldn’t I have thought of that as my blog title, or better yet “Spermless blog”

And though I am as bad at is as anyone else, please, please trying spelling better when you search, or make sense, not that I don’t love it when you drop by. This includes you: “kissing without cloths”, “lezbian training”, “bisexual x-box” and “all lesbain orjies””

Yes, that’s right, I’m watching you. Because I’m a sad, lonely bitter person. Luckily, I’m in plenty of company.

4 comments:

Yoga Korunta said...

In your corner, Elizabeth!

Cap'n Dyke said...

(Sigh) Yer nurse be right, Me Assassin...I am but th'voice in yer head. O'course, this voice can tell ye of wonderfully, wicked things t'do durin' a borin' day, so keep payin' attention.

kathz said...

My hororscope for today says:

Today you might find that a number of small animals come into your life. You might adopt a pet yourself, or a friend might have a pet that's just given birth to puppies or kittens. There's also the possibility that you could visit a zoo and have fun watching the baby lions or monkeys play. Don't be surprised if you pick up intuitively on how the animals are feeling! This could prove to be a thoroughly enjoyable day.

A woodlouse just came into the house, and there have been spiders in the bath lately, plus an invasion of daddy-long legs (crane flies). But, so far as I noticed, none of these has given birth and I didn't bond with them intuitively either!

Perhaps that will come later.

Happy fencing!

funchilde said...

wait...i thought if i waited long enough you'd write about female dolphin zombie orjies? what a waste!