Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Men: the creeps, the possessive & good guys

I don’t hate men. Wait, let me revise that, I don’t hate ALL men. It’s just that as soon as a guy starts interacting from the point of view of his penis or with the assumption that as a guy he must be smarter and more capable than me he tends to move into the “Die! Die! Die!” category. And a lot of guys I meet seem to want to leap into this category.

A couple days ago, I am in the library looking at a couple books on vampires when I hear a sucking, hissing sound a couple feet away. I look up and this creepy mustached guy is doing a Hannibal Lector impression at me. He has been waiting for me to look up, and gives me this half face leer then walks past. My first reaction: leave the library. My second reaction: WTF! Guys that hit on me tend to have this strong possessive aspect but come on, making the sucking noises Hannibal Lector makes to Clarice in Silence of the Lambs as seduction. What kind of sicko is that?

The next day, I am buying groceries and this guy with his hand covered in a bandage follows me into an aisle. I put down my basket and he sort of moves between me and my basket, bumping his body into mine. I think, “Maybe my basket is blocking where he wants to shop.” So I pick it up and move to the produce, looking for a decent green pepper. Nope, he’s still following me and though there is plenty of room, stops to rub his body on me, sliding up beside me. “What you been doing?” is his first question, which is kinda odd and possessive but years of social training kick in and I tell him I went blackberry picking today. All the while I am trying to dump back the green peppers and go, but he has blocked me in. Linda, who has been in another part of the store, arrives, and turning to me says, “Can you help me find something?” We take off. We get in the que to leave and because there are people already behind us when he finds us again, he gets in the line next to us. We are almost running as the groceries are packed, trying to make it half way down the block so that he can’t follow us and find out where we live.

The next morning we are walking down to play tennis when we hear, “You didn’t tell me you were a tennis girl!” It’s the guy from yesterday, only without a shirt and striding down a side street toward us staring hard at me (What? You OWN me now? I HAVE to tell you everything?). We walk faster and glance back to make sure he doesn’t keep following. We notice how he totally focused on me, even though there were two of us. Though I already have 4 semi-stalkers, I told Linda that he scares me more than the rest of them. Because while all they talk about is sex or sexual innuendo, this guy, as soon as he targeted me, started touching. The others talk but don’t touch. This guy already crossed that boundary and quite honestly is going to make leaving the house alone a bit of a worry for a while. Near midnight, last night some guy starts screaming outside my apartment “Bitch! Whore! Slut!” I ran to the window to check. Nope, not my guy, just ANOTHER guy venting his anger combined with sexual frustration at women.

I do have to wonder about the assumptive sexual possessiveness of guys. A professor at PCC, my old community college blogs about his colleague who during the length of his course, is marking the young women (age 18) in his class on a scale of how sexually attractive they are to him. It takes a while because he wants to see all the women in different outfits before finalizing his list. And he does this for every class. Yet this is defended as a “typical guy thing.” Though guys agree that making lists of which girls under your authority sexually excite you and how much is WRONG if the girls are 14, it is “fair play” if they are 18, because it is legal to have sex with them. Yeah. Again, not convincing me on liking guys.

But there are guys who I have had friendships with during my life, the “good guys”. See I don’t hate ALL men, there are good ones, including:

Stafford: We were best friends from ages 8-11 when he moved back to Kenya with his family. We were poor but had lots of imagination. We also cured each other of smoking as we found some brown sticky paper and tries smoking some rolled up dry grass we found sticking out between the pavement. Much choking later we concluded smoking was for idiots and I’ve never tried smoking since.

Dave: While on the down side, Dave is perpetually obsessed with women and has some strange theory about how they are taunting him. On the plus side, he is always there for his friends and his apartment has always been open to hang out. I got drunk the first time at his place (on purpose to see what it felt like). And he twice traveled across the country just to see me. Anytime someone is willing to shell out big bucks to cheer you up, they go into the good guy category.

Keith: He was my first decent therapist and I didn’t find him threatening because he was gay. Actually he wasn’t gay, but he says everyone thinks he is. Anyway, it proved to me that there are guys out there who know how to keep both trusts and boundaries.

Chris: He is the all around worst worker I have ever met; he steals, he tries to sneak off and sleep on the job, or brings a handheld game console to work to try and play during shifts. However, when I was being harassed from locals and my car was getting repaired, he came and drove me to work, even when he wasn’t on, so I didn’t have to worry about it. He also was the only one of all my colleagues and staff who would testify about the sexual orientation harassment I was receiving at from my supervisors, their supervisors and the management.

Les & Simon: A gay couple who befriended us and took us places we had never been (like a gay club stripper night – Les sometimes forgets that not everyone likes naked men as much as he does). Les looks like a Welsh Rupert Evert and Simon is your over-enthusiastic choir director. They got us into a male only monastery for chapel and always kept us entertained with their plans and ideas (like a sea side retirement home for gay guys with the whole building painted a rainbow).

Gerald: Well, we all know about Gerald. He’s a pretty good listener and can take both physical and verbal abuse easily. He does tend to get a bit odd around sexual subject and keeps saying, “You have to remember, I come from a different generation.” To which I reply, “Yeah, the generation which invented free love.”

I didn’t include any guys I haven’t met, though there are a few great guys from the internet that I would like to meet. But see, I don’t hate ALL men. Now if you could pass the word to some of the creeps round here, I could get to leave my apartment a little more often.


elizabeth said...

Well. You have one thing going for you... you don't have to try to weed one out to have a relationship with. lol. Not to say I haven't met my fair share of nice guys - but I've also met (more than) my fair share of the crazy ones. That's why I like gay men. They don't need to try to get you into bed.

Wiccachicky said...

That guy sounds totally creepy!! I don't envy that kind of attention. I think I tend to scare those types away with my "look of death" as my partner calls it. He says this look is why men never used to ask me out in college.

Yoga Korunta said...

Elizabeth, have you tried standing up to the creeps or publicly embarrassing them?

"How I want my sister treated," is in mind when I approach women.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Yoga: this is something I have been asked before; I do if absolutely needed, but most males of this type tend to get angry when confronted and blame the woman - which usually is verbal attacks, but can lead to more, up to physical attacks, harrassment or even rape - decent creeps at least back off when you make it clear you have no interest in them - the ones who don't back off already are okay choosing thier own desires over yours - which means confronting them on that is a calculated risk. Add in alcohol and it gets riskier still.

Besides, I fail to understand why I have to change my personality into someone who agressively tells guys to "eff off" becuase THEY are the ones with boundry issues.

Sober @ Sundown said...

There are a few men I like, a few I tolerate, and the rest really smell bad......

Cap'n Dyke said...

I keep tellin' me wild scientist friend t'invent somethin' that we can release in the air/water/whatever that reduces th'testosterone level in males t' th'point where men can actually live their day-to-day lives without threatenin' anyone in anyway.

It possibly be a pipe-dream, but it would make th'world a much happier place. Less violence of all types. Not too much t'ask, I say.

GayProf said...

Yikes -- Be safe!

funchilde said...

you lead quite a life there elizabeth. why not just carry around your epee sword/saber/blade (?) and dare the xy carriers to make your day? i'm sure we could get you off of any charges like the dude who was acquitted of running over the guy who wouldn't get off his car and kept leaning on it even after he'd been asked nicely and the car was put in gear...some people never learn and the rest just need a bloody/stumpy example...

The Watcher said...

Dark men are dying inside and they know it, even if only subconsciously.

This wouldn't be a problem, except they want to make as many people as miserable as possible before their insignificant lives snuff out like a moth in a bug-zapper.

We used to revel in liberating these dark souls from their twisted prisons. I must agree with funchilde -- "some people never learn and the rest just need a bloody/stumpy example..."

Christopher said...

Understand that there is bad in all of us. If society still disagreed with premarital sex, then atleast sexuality would not be as much of an object as it is today.

I certainly have met plenty of women that say that they love being seduced by men. See? It goes both ways.