Waxing & The Angelina Jolie Reality Quiz

Zed, my novel, still hasn't reached the US store shelves as of today (unpacked in boxes? Stolen by banditos?). And while Amazon.com says it will take 6-8 days to deliver, a friend has let me know that it is also available for immediate purchase from ebay.com (18 copies).

Either way, it looks like it might be a few more days of waiting until your book arrives. That space of time, brief but anticipatory, can be like those instants between when you hear the strip being ripped during your Brazilian waxing and when the ball of pain from the nerve endings actually reach you.

To distract you, I recommend the varieties of pirate themed games at Puzzle Pirates which you can download and play on your computer. The puzzles will help you become a rounded pirate giving you practice on sword fighting, gunnery, sailing, navigation, carpentry and more.

For those who can’t get enough of the tattoo, goth, alternative culture and photos of Suicide Girls, there is now Fatal Beauty – a site which offers music reviews, writing, blogs and, of course, pictures celebrating alternative model girls. They do not, as yet, have a lingerie or clothing line.

And as a tribute to Cap’t Dyke, I have created a Quiz around the universal heartthrob and lesbian picture girl: Angelina Jolie. I recommend you take a long and lingering look through her treasure chest of Angelina Jolie pictures in order to mentally prepare yourself. (and please tell me: does the picture of the horse disturb you or just make you jealous?)


The Angelina Jolie Reality Quiz

1) Reasons that Angelina looks better and better every year?
a) She takes good care of herself
b) The youth granting powers of a night of passion with me
c) She’s an alien.

2) Why A.J. doesn’t return to lesbian themed movies like Gia and Foxfire?
a) She has already proven her diversity with acting and has moved on
b) With my scripts she will be returning to them soon
c) Because she knows I need to see her naked and likes to torture me

3) The reason Angelina missed a gala dinner a few months ago was...
a) Because she wanted to spend some “alone” time.
b) She was with me, covered in chocolate sauce
c) I had her trapped in her house until police backup arrived

4) The reason Angelina has gone to Africa is...
a) She wanted to be alone with Brad and her baby during this special time
b) She needed to tell Brad he was just a sperm donor for our love child
c) Because I can get to her anywhere in the western world.

5) Angelina Jolie looks best...
a) In leather and lace
b) In my bed with a smile on her face
c) Trapped in the special “honeymoon” suite I made in my basement

6) The long lesbian relationship between A.J. and Jenny Shimizu is...
a) A fabrication of the media to sell papers; everyone “knows” she’s straight
b) Something AJ and I talked over; we are okay with an open relationship
c) It’s a lie! It’s a lie! No one must touch her but me!!!!!

7) The reason I know Angelina Jolie loves me is because...
a) She loves all of her fans
b) She sends me roses on the anniversary of the night we met
c) the number of restraining orders she has against me

8) Angelina’s best movie is...
a) A tie between Tomb Raider and Girl Interrupted
b) Shot on our camcorder which we like to watch over the holidays
c) The ones currently in an evidence locker, sometimes foliage crowds the shot

9) The last gift Angelina gave me was...
a) Her fine performance in Mr. and Mrs. Smith
b) Aphrodisiac chocolates and a note, “The waterbed?”
c) The electricity from her taser.

10) In the future, I hope Angelina Jolie...
a) Will get movie roles that highlight her beauty and talent
b) Will permanently join me on our pirate ship and “Boobs Ahoy!”
c) Will let me get close enough to use the net

For each answer A give yourself 1 point, for each answer B give yourself 3 points and for each answer C give yourself -5 points.

-50 – 9 points: What you are experiencing isn’t love, it’s a mental condition, please seek immediate assistance.

10-12 points: You are an innocent but gullible person who tends to believe what they see in print. It is recommended that you don’t go to used car lots or time-share ventures by yourself.

13-21 points: You are a very lucky woman, treasure the wonder and joy that life has brought you. You also might be named Jenny Shimizu

30 points: Your name is Cap’n Dyke!