Saturday, May 27, 2006

Would you card this woman?

For hundreds of years, men have searched for an elixir or secret cure to make them young. Women, over the years, have searched for just the right material and cut of clothing to make them LOOK young. In Seattle, we found it.

The question is: If you were serving alcohol, would you card this woman? Linda bought this brown pullover and less than an hour after putting it on, was carded for buying alcohol. Later, several people confirmed that yes, they would have carded her too.

My experience that day was different. Two blocks after leaving the hostel, a guy started yelling that he would “do me” and that though I was tall, he was up to the challenge. I am thinking about putting out a world map showing the cities around the world where men have told me in various languages that they would be gracious enough to “stick me”, “pork me” or otherwise enjoy me carnally. Linda thinks I send out an aura of unattainability which makes me the sexual equivalent of Everest.

Soon after, while shopping at Old Navy, the change-room clerk wanted to know how tall I was. I told her I was 6’3”.

Clerk: “Oh, I saw another woman in here as tall as you.”

Me: “Really?”

Clerk: “Yeah, but she was like a model. Tall and just like a model. Even her clothes; your clothes are nice but she dressed like a model.”

Me: “Er?”

Clerk: “And thin too, you know, tall like you, but thin, just like a model.”

Me: “I’m going back in the change-room now.”

Yeah, too many orders of chicken wings on this trip, that’s for sure when strangers start trashing your clothes and weight.

We stayed at the Green Tortoise Hostel, which used to be an old sex hotel. As you can see, they have redone the rooms to look like a 10 year old’s bedroom. It does not come with star wars underoo’s; you will need to bring your own. Our traveling bear is on the bed with my new epee. The hostel is also located next door to the needle exchange, which may be a plus for some. While in the common room I listened as three guys talked about how Seattle was so cool because you could get any drug you wanted. One of them had just come back from a drug run and they fantasized about how great it would be if the local dealer came by a couple times a day to the common room instead of having to go find him. It was after that Linda and I decided not to book her parents there.

As for me, my search for the perfect clothing goes on. I did try on several pairs of jeans that cut were so low, I couldn’t tie up my shoelaces without breaking a few different indecency laws. And at Victoria Secret I got an exercise top that is so cool and wondrous that to actually sweat in it would be a crime, which is why I now have an exercise outfit for actually exercising in and this new exercise outfit for simply standing around, using the best effect of backlighting and letting people buy me juice drinks. But until I find the outfit which makes someone ask, “Shouldn’t you be in school today?”, the search goes on.

12 comments:

The Watcher said...

Arrgh, but if ye thought that ye had Linda in your bedroom when ye were a wee girl o'ten an' livin' at home...

I've th'genes t'be your height, Dahlink. Me uncle be 7' 2", me aunt 6' in her socks an' me grandfather 7' 6" tall. I think tall women are delicious (e.g. A.J.; tell Linda I'm not makin' a move on ye). Besides, A.J. would mutilate me. ;)

Please, I must know th'name o' your new epee. She's beautiful.

will said...

Oho, I know the name of the epee!

But I fear the consequences of saying it...

In short, Elizabeth is scary. Very scary.

And it shouldn't have the bad bend yet! Then again, who am I to talk?

Elizabeth McClung said...

Wil, As I told Gerald yesterday, I was going to bite him, but since I like to think of myself as a mature individual, I decided to throttle him - starting with his ankles.

The sword's name is Val - short for Valkyrie - a means by which to tell which warriors are worthy to fight by the side of Odin at the end of the world. Face me if you want to find out.

Besides will, I have a bruise on the back of my leg which is already black and has your name on it - See you monday....

will said...

Ok, now I really AM scared!

See ya Monday. ;)

elizabeth said...

Oh yeah. Linda looks like a student. I got carded recently and attempted to recreate the look - but seemed to fail. ;-(

That bedcover would have made me die laughing. Way too funny. I helped a lady I used to work with learn how to use a couple of computer programs - her son, who was 25 and lived at home had a crush on me - he showed me his room had the ORIGINAL Star Wars wall paper. And he was really proud of himself. I think maybe he did still wear the underroos.

Are you seriously that tall? That's just awesome. You would be the person to bring to a party - that way you could locate potential men for me without even going near them. Very advantageous.

Like the name of the epee. But really - you told Will before us?

will said...

Well, if you're going to be bruised by it, it is always nice to know the name. ;)

funchilde said...

green tortoise! yay! i did a two week trip out of the san fran location. i love those guys! i don't know about the hostel decor though...

as for that aura of unattainability, i have it to but not on purpose i am just so not into anything sexual/erotic, whatever my head just NEVER goes there and yeah i think men love that challenge. i have a funny story to tell about that on my blog in a couple days. glad yall are having fun and getting carded and criticized in new cities!

Elizabeth McClung said...

Cap'n is your uncle really 7'2"? The tallest person I met was a guy who was 6'10" and that seemed very very tall. Of course, I am at perfect height and most other women are just strangely short.

Elizabeth - I've always felt that not dating someone who still lives with his mom is a good rule

Funchilde - can't wait to hear the story.

B.V. Brus said...

So is it wrong to find the bear attractive? (Grrrr, baby, grrrr!)

The Watcher said...

Aye, me uncle is that tall. O'course, me mother was 4' 11". There is definately a comic element in seein' a picture o' me mother's family standin' together.

Karla said...

I'm 5' 10" and my husband is 6'7". I never would date a guy under 6'4".

Can I borrow the brown sweater? I need to feel a bit youthful today. Or can I borrow the epee? I could kick some ass. I'n fine with either solution.

Anonymous said...

For some reason I thought you were five feet nine inches tall. I shall now practice my foot work (from time to time) with two five gallon buckets strapped to the bottoms of my shoes.
Just in case we ever meet.

Jim