Friday, May 12, 2006

Pick-up lines & the girl that got away

Number of pick-up lines since moving to Canada in Feb: Males: 39 Females: 2 (Finally I got a cute girl giving me a line today, woo hoo!).

I have noticed over the last week or two that the more ill or traumatized I am, the more attractive I become to guys. Case in point: last week I had a horrid morning which I spent crying. When I finally leave the house to go to the library, three different guys flirt with me in the four blocks to the library including one who walks beside me introducing himself. Puffy eyes must be really sexy in this part of the world.

Last ferry ride, I was so sesick I had to stare straight ahead and pray for a bucket. Immediately a guy comes over telling me “he’s seen me before but this time he decided he was going to talk to me.” So he “chats” for 90 minutes, including standing up in front of me so we can have “eye contact.” By the time I get home he’s already emailed me.

Then there was a couple days ago, I go to the fencing club with cramps so bad I’m forcing myself to stand straight. Immediately a guy says, “Looking lovely, Beautiful.” Later I tell Linda, and she says, “Maybe it wasn’t flirting, maybe he is just one of those people who calls everyone Beautiful.” Really? Then why did he next offer to show me the tattoo above his buttocks? Linda admits he probably doesn’t show that to everyone. Flirting!

Linda thinks that I get a “vulnerable” look that brings out something in guys. I think it more likely that when I am down or ill I lose my maniacal eye gleam which indicates an ever-present capacity for violence; I look docile. Act now buddy, because that’s not lasting long.

Today I’m walking to the post office with this cute blonde 20’s female walking her fluffy little white dog in front of me. She glances back, sees me and then does a prolonged lingering double take. She stops and as I approach she leans toward me. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I thought you were the girl from America’s Next Top Model, that’s why I did the double take.” Later I realize that I will never get a better opening line in this life. NEVER! Do I say, “Yes, I’m heading to a photo shoot, do you want to come?” or “I get that all the time. You want to go get a coffee?” No. No, I say, “Uh...Sorry, I don’t have a TV.” She laughs nervously, I laugh nervously and we part, leaving me to kick myself for the next two hours.

I spend, what, weeks complaining that I can’t get any girls who want to pick me up; suddenly it’s spotlight time with the cute and perky girl in with the blond ponytail asking me if I’m THAT model and...I clutch. It’s okay, I tell myself. Linda would have ripped off my lips if they touched another girl. And besides, femmes with fluffy, white dogs are high maintenance. I’m lucky things didn’t progress. If I keep telling myself that, one day I’ll believe it.

Jpeg 2- http://www.pantsnetwork.com/news/shakiraalbum_shak4.jpg

14 comments:

elizabeth said...

-I know what you mean about awkward responses to someone flirting with you. I'm the queen of idiots when it comes to freezing up and unlearning how to speak coherently the moment a man I am attracted to smiles or speaks to me. I'm sure I come off as a total bitch most of the time.
And - hell yeah. That's a good line... hey are you that model? Now "Is your father a baker? Cause you shooooor do have the best buns in town" pales in comparison. Actually that one always sucked. Come to think of it all the pick up lines I've ever heard have pretty much been terrible.

GayProf said...

What is this thing "flirting" to which you refer?

Is it the same as when I see a cute boy, blush, and then crumple into a ball on the floor giggling? Yeah, I am one smooth-player.

kathz said...

It's a long time since anyone directed a really bad chat-up line at me. Have you thought of jotting them down in a notebook (my daughter keeps them to recycle in plays that she writes) or, better still, making a list of really bad ones and ticking them off whenever you hear them.

Of course, it depends on who's using the lines. The right person can use any line, and if the feeling behind it is real, it's like music. But how often does that happen?

fluffy white dog girl? Cute, perhaps, and nice that she tried (sounds better than the guys who like their ladies sick and sad) but Linda's around to bind up your fencing wounds and that's true love indeed.

Elizabeth McClung said...

See, I kinda thought "Do you want to see my tattoo, it's right above my buttocks?" was a pretty classic bad come on line.

elizabeth said...

See now - that IS my come on line so I'm not sure what to say here.

The Watcher said...

Arrgh! They be just humans, m'lassie! Look at ye; ye be th'top o' th' pops (does that date me?)!

Best thing is bein' yerself. Iffin they like ye, so be it. Iffin they don't, not worth it...

I know that's hard t'be wrappin' around, but this Pirate Queen have lots o'experience. ;)

Th'shy type is awfully appealin' t'a lot o' fish in th'sea...

funchilde said...

you are a "hot mess" as we say in black urban america (with affection of course).

NOTHING said...

i cant say any1 has used a pick up line on me or has realy fluted with me, then agen who would want to

The Watcher said...

Okay, I'm havin' a 'moment'. Yer blog be th'first one ever I'VE READ ALL TH'WAY THROUGH. What's th'piratical equivilent of 'wow'?

'Zed' is pre-ordered from Amazon. Ye rock.

The Watcher said...

BTW, I go t'me hammock between 10:30 an' 11:30 an' th'new stereo would look good in th'den...;)

Elizabeth McClung said...

"What's th'piratical equivilent of 'wow'?"

I think "blow me down" - avast! Suprised and flattered - but if you think I have mechanical skills, you have picked the wrong dyke - my tongue, that's another story - but electrical and torque wrenches?

Elizabeth McClung said...

re: stereo - I think you may have failed to read the fine print:

"I will come to your house to read you the book while you fall asleep, before leaving with your new stereo system."

I'm the struggling artist which means I have no morals to speak of, hence I get the stereo and you get...nightmares?

The Watcher said...

Well, blow me down an'thank ye fer sharin' info on yer strongest skill...;)

The Watcher said...

ahh, I see. I fall t'sleep an'then ye steal me stereo? I failed t'read it right (I do have only one good eye, y'know (cut me some slack)! ;)

Morals. I don't understand this new strange word...

Stealin' a stereo from a lesbian pirate queen...that might be fun.