Saturday, May 06, 2006

Epee, Thong Day & Testosterone Boys

I am bored. Bored, bored, bored. I am the teenage girl in the back of the car who you decided to take with you to Lumber World. I now fence epee with 12 guys. There are two new guys; one has parries so forceful and extreme that the judge has to wear a mask; the other, an 18 year old male (nickname: Tornado) who is so aggressive he starts attacking before the bout starts. Gee, more wild, super-aggressive, never-back up males. Boring.

A bored Elizabeth is a dangerous thing. When my mind is not engaged in fencing, it races up walls like a chipmunk in a cage. It makes me say naughty things, just because. If my mind is distracted, I'll try and make yours distracted too.

In a bout, during the pause between points I use my non-sword hand to rub my hip. “Hmmm” I say, “I can’t remember if it’s thong day today.”

“What?” Steve cries, “You can’t tell?” I lunge, point.

“Oh wait.” I tell him a minute later, “That’s right, today, I’m going commando.”

“What? No!” I lunge, point. “Stop telling me these things!” He begs.

(See full comic of PVPonline here)

I’ve been putting in the epee training. I’m working on form, identifying problems, working out on cardio, lunges, point accuracy and speed. The coach for hire is away this week. I asked Mr. Ho for a lesson. Nothing there. As for the bouts themselves, with Gerald gone, William has now become the most stable epeeist. We talked; he doesn’t advance all the time, we keep distance. It’s nice. I feel like a real epeeist when I fence William instead of a girl with a sword, defending her virginity against relentless male assaults. The Tornado was so wild he managed to thrust his blade UNDER my helmet’s neck protector and have it end up touching my chin; steel to skin. That’s a bit closer to mortality than I was looking for.

“I love my blade.” I tell William rubbing my hand up and down the naked steel.

“Stop that!”

“Hmmm,” I look at the blade, “I wonder if I could make it vibrate somehow.”

William moves away, “I don’t want to know, really!”

I move toward him with a wicked grin, and start a buzzing sound, making my epee vibrate with my hand.

The light has gone out of Amanda. Since the provincials, it seems like she’s hardly there. Last night, I went easy on her. I know I’m the person that “always” goes 100%, but she was distant, distracted, too easy to hit. Most nights now she only fences three or four bouts to five points, sometimes she shows up two hours late, sometimes she doesn’t bout at all. This leaves me to fence with Tornado, who not only has a tendency, when toe to toe, to grab your sword arm with his free hand, but during weapon’s check he tries to knock the sword out of your hand by slamming his bell guard into your tip. Ramp down the testosterone, cowboy!

Waiting to fence, I pester everyone about the new Superman Trailer (click here). It rocks! Steve feels that Superman is “too perfect” (insecurity issues Steve?). This starts me on a rant on how much it sucks working in the same office with Lois Lane. Always having to hear Lois natter on about how Superman took her exotic places before saving her life and then fixing car, and rewiring the house. Please, please, please let this be the movie where Lois comes out as a lesbian. “Sorry Superman... uh, before you go, can you introduce me to Supergirl?”

When I am not challenged, I get bored. And besides William, I’m not challenged. I need Gerald and his bag of tricks (still off drinking rum in Cuba), I want a fully fired-up Amanda. It would even be nice if Brian showed up. Till then, I’ll keep training, waiting for the day my Butch Princess strides through the door, epee in hand.

Comic -
Jpeg -


kathz said...

Sounds infuriating. There aren't enough women who do epee. I'm trying to presuade fellow fencers by suggesting a women's master (mistress?) of arms trophy. Some want to fence epee only if they fence women only. That is daft- I'm incompetent enough to be dangerous and liable to hit too hard - they'd be better off with the best men who don't touch harder than necessary. I've only twice in my life fenced women at epee. So I'm learning nastily aggressive techniques. (Anyway, sabre looks much more dangerous to me - all that violent slashing!)

GayProf said...

Ooooh -- I don't have such good feelings abou the new Superman movie. Lois Lane seems unrecognizable and I hate, hate, hate Kevin Spacey (regardless of Lex Luthor).

Don't even get me started on the disaster that will be the Wonder Woman movie.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Hmmm...what wrong with Wonder Woman - true Josh Whedon has a tendancy to shot or kill lesbians in his series (and in MY world, Wonder woman is a lesbian). There is an interview with him about the film here:

I think he actually mentions you by name gayprof under one of the people "I can't please".

Kathz: well, sabre can give you more bruises, but epee can give you bruises all over your body - kinda of a toss up there. I do wonder when I finally meet another female epeeist - will we both immediately start backing up having fenced so many guys?

kathz said...

I probably don't back up enough - I tend to charge forward as fast as I can to lessen the distance as I'm usually fencing taller guys (and I'm not small myself). They almost all have a longer reach as well as being stronger and more accurate.

Karen said...

I need to try some of your naughty things.....only when I'm fencing adults though! My husband's ex-wife used to walk up to her male opponents and say, "Are you wearing a cup?" If they said no, she'd smirk and say, "What a shame." They were either so distracted that they couldn't fence, or a few moments later, you'd hear a bloodcurdling scream.

She perfected a move we now call "The Widowmaker" :D

Ceara said...

Well honestly before I started to read your blog, I thought epee was just a filler in cross-word puzzels. Now that I know what it is, I want to learn. Is it hard? Do I go to the Y or is their a club for cluessless people like me to learn?

Murray said...

I can't help it, I always chuckle and laugh when I read your blog - you paint wonderful pictures with your words. I did one session of fencing but didn't seem to have the killer instinct that was needed or maybe I didn't have the tenacity to do all the practice necessary

Elizabeth McClung said...

Ceara: Usually the Y has a class or there is a specific studio for fencing - I recommend putting "Fencing" along with your city name into google and see what pops out.

Karen: Well, I have a certain reputation for groin near-misses - though that has far more to do with my opponents parries and twisting than any particular plan.

elizabeth said...

I would take up epee - but I seriously think I would take out all of my anger on some poor person and be banned forever. (and I would end up throwing a tantrum every time I lost and trying to alter the electric current in my blade -- set to stun--to seek revenge on my opponent).
Also - Elizabeth - back to that g-string thing.... funny how accurate that artists rendering really is -- that is just how I looked. =-O

mrkgnao said...

*deeply amused*

Yay for thong day.

Although I do feel constrained to point out that a vibrating epee is probably ... well ... a lightsabre.

Also I'm unfeasibly pleased to note that the female equivalent to fencing master is Fencing Mistress. Epee in one hand, whip in the other ... disarm me, baby!

Woody Cavenaugh said...

It sounds to me like the only thing wrong with your epee is your club. I think we all wish that fencing clubs could be like McDonalds. No matter where you go there you are. The reality seems to be that fencing clubs are more like night clubs, some things are universal, but the difference between "Roxor" and "Suxor" is vast, and the gulf between nearly infinite.