Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Changing my Life Part I: Men

Last night after fencing class was over, William, the 16 year old bloody, blade-breaker (two conditions), observed from having read my blog that I tend to attract either ugly or stupid men. This isn’t entirely true; I also attract insane and criminal ones.

In the UK, I was semi-stalked by a guy who was on disability because of his distress regarding the House of Lords stopping the UK from being a true democracy. He seemed to believe that a) every other country in the world but Britain was a democracy and b) that I wanted to hear him talk about it every day. Early on, when I thought he wanted a discussion; I pointed out to him that Cuba was a fine and happy dictatorship. He got a very odd glow in his eyes. Later he made a passing comment that “The doctors lie, I don’t have schizophrenia, I just attacked that guy with a hammer because he didn’t realize how important democracy is.” Yeah, and I just changed all my walking routes because I realize how important not running into you is.

There was also the guy who kept trying to pick me up at a dance where I had come with a group of 16 lesbians to have a “dance within a dance.” Every single song, he made a beeline to me with a bow and “This dance my lady?” Eventually a big butch took him aside; “We are lesbians, get it, we don’t want to dance with you, she doesn’t want to dance with you.” For the next couple months he was always running up to me, “Hey, remember me from the dance.” Yeah.

I told William how I had seen the backwoods Beard-O and “mama” that day on my trip to Port Angeles, again at the Dairy Queen. I hid behind a box and a table. Graceful? No. But better than resuming the conversation: “You’re tall! Mama, she’s still tall!”

I left William and within a block I passed Thor and his new crony, both of which gave me the heavy hairy eyeball. Thor seemed particularly interested. Thor is a 40 year old tall, totally blocky and built guy with long blond hair who I am convinced is a criminal. I met him briefly eight years ago in View Towers and based one of the characters in my novel, Zed around him. He owns a limo which he often drives to the states. He told me he takes carpets across the border (that’s what he said, but what I was hearing while he said it was “I dispose of bodies by taking them in carpets across the border”).

Thor (not his real name) is “heavy.” He has that completely stone cold way of saying things which tells you that he lying to you but if you are smart you won’t try to find out or challenge him because then he would have to hurt you, bad. He reminded me of the people I used to meet in Vancouver when the girl I was totally in lust with was dragging me around the club drug scene; showing me the boat where the drugs were cut and introducing me to guys with one eye or nicknames like “Ratchet” (No, I didn’t get the girl then either as she was in love with “Mr. Blow” which means she was not only working as a club mule for the drug trade but also selling her criminal buddies out to the police to get more money for drugs).

But wait. Why should I have to avoid my favorite video store just because the semi-homeless guy outside wants a threesome? Why should I have to avoid my old apartment just because the guy upstairs said that staring at women was “not just his hobby but also part of his heritage?” I could beat these guys up with one arm. No, literally; due to epee, I now have this freakishly muscled arm on just one side of my body (see photo left). Okay, maybe not beat them up but I could use my epee skills and strength to jab them a lot. Would that make me a “nice girl?” No. But I might have less nervous twitches.

I have a plan. I will just carry an epee around town with me. Some guy comes up and goes, “Hey you’re so tall, I’ve always wanted to pretend to be a jockey” then, BAM, groin hit (if fencing has taught me anything, it is that guys fear a 60 mile an hour hit to the groin with a epee). What’s that, you want to know where my porn site is? Taste my Epee Wrath! “Hey baby, I got some Windex if you have a squeegee.” What does that mean? Groin hit him just in case. There are probably some drawbacks to this plan; I just can’t think of them.

Jpeg 1 - http://www.scs.carleton.ca/~oppacher/images/man-with-hammer.jpg


Mrs The Experience said...

"Why should I have to avoid my favorite video store just because the semi-homeless guy outside wants a threesome?"

Indeed! I ask myself that question at least daily.

I do believe in the merits of carrying one's epee around all the time. I keep one in my office, and of course one in The Jag. The Jag.

So, where will you be writing, here or on LJ? I like a gal with multiple literary personalities.

Anonymous said...

'“Hey baby, I got some Windex if you have a squeegee.” What does that mean? Groin hit him just in case.'

HAHA! I couldn't stop laughing at that one. It sucks being a loser magnet, but it's just another reason to go with your own gender. XD

Workout Man said...

I suppose its different strokes for different blokes :-)

Truck Leasing said...

I hear you. I was driving through a neighborhood this morning and slumped down in my seat to avoid making eye contact with some undesirables.

Loved the piece on squeegies and Windex - you rock!